Ad Infinitum

A never ending carnival of thoughts

Me against Myself

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Recently i was going thru my stuff of school days n i found a crushd page & on it were scribbled sum lines...upon reading, something had hit me so hard that i still have no words to express...it was a poem that reminded me of the time wen i was fighting with myself...
Warning: only ppl with a strong heart read this....

It goes like this :

There is a face inside me
watching, mocking, laughing
I feel like im stripped down
ripped apart from my soul

It judges me, scares me
makes me feel im nothing
Its so hard to face it
look! its watching me again.

I try hard to be ,what it wants me to be
I know i can't , but i still try
but it just won't let go of me
I seem a stranger to myself

It reminds me of
chains i can't break out of
haunts me like a dark shadow
blocking the light & the world

Nothingness has crept into me
and it suffocates me to death
Im paranoid trying to please it
but it upsets me everyday

And it'll kill me,thats my worst fear
Coz i just seem a stranger to myself.

PS: thats wat dth mtl can do to ppl, i guess....lot of depression there...i hd started obsessing abt commiting a suicide...glad tht i finally gt out of it...:)

31 comments:

Chiranjeev Singh 3 June 2008 at 23:25  

Oops!
It was really a sort of frightening and intimidating poem esp when thought from the angle of the person who wrote it out....
Well really there is a conscience inside that asks us to do sometimes seemingly impossible things to do but we try to evade them as we find them really hard to perform. But somewhere I think that is what we are made for. To do what is undoable, to reach which is unreachable and to become what seems only ideal.
btw suicide is the worst thing a person could ever do. Though there are other felonies galore but stil I put it somewhere at the peek of all crimes. However, it's good that u hv come out of it and has begun a new lease of life...
Live it to the fullest but conscience should work and you should work accordingly...
bbye have a nice time with ur family...

Rabi Poddar 3 June 2008 at 23:25  

oye kappii....grt work yaar... i mean mind blowing.....good work dear...keep up...and it seriously is smething i neva thought u wud ever feel ...u being soo depressed..tat must ave been a very strange tym....:)

keshavi 3 June 2008 at 23:45  

@ chiran : nw u gt Y the warningz there in the begining?? conscience wali baat nahin thi bas apne aap pe utna faith nahin tha...n even im shokd at the tht of a suicide bt i guess it was the easiest way out then,tho nt the appropriate 1...i hd forgotten abt it untill i saw that crushd papr...

@rabi: thanks for finding smthn good in this sad poem...n Dis is wat blogs r for...letting ppl knw things they dint knw abt u...hehe...

brijmohandas chakravarthy 4 June 2008 at 12:31  

wow! taks guts to post sumthn lik dat, thnk v r al luky dat u mangd 2conqr ur own self, n i thnk a famus bhojpuri fakeer wud'v sed 'taup poem tha! hamra jiyra machal utha '
hp u'l kp postin sch honest stf :)

keshavi 4 June 2008 at 17:21  

thanx stranger!
glad u likd tht...n vr u talkin abt urself 'bhojpuri fakeer',lol...newayz 'taup comment! hamra jiyra machal utha'..;)

ankit jain 4 June 2008 at 18:32  

hey keshi, blessed evry1 is, 4 u dint do wat u thot of.. it wud hv been so embarresing 4 ur parents, n v also wud nt hv known a nice person :)
nywys, gud dat nw u r dat mentally strong, n a happy-go-lucky kinda prsn, ripped away frm being depressd :)
wel dat wud hv been a really tough situation, taking me into thots of wat it cud hv been.. cant guess though, bt wud like 2 kno it..
keep smiling n enjy life..
tk cr.

Chiranjeev Singh 4 June 2008 at 23:05  

@Ankit
Blessed everyone including Ankit...lolz....

keshavi 4 June 2008 at 23:46  

@ ankit: thank god i cm out f it odrwise i wudn't hv known ne nice ppl like u...thanks a lot!!!n dont even go into those realms...its bttr if they r frgttn...
i guess i came outf it coz i met some really gud frnds like u...:)

Nishi 5 June 2008 at 12:02  

Won't encourage you by saying nice poem.. remember the advice u gave me whe i wrote the Chaos?.. follow that girl :)
Keep posting :)

btw... Jis jis ka jiyara machal utha, heart specialist ya ek doosre ko contact kare..LOL:)

keshavi 5 June 2008 at 14:38  

i'll kill u nishi!!!!lol...
n i will remember the advice i gave u n work on it...thanx for remindind...:)

ankit jain 6 June 2008 at 00:02  

@ Keshavi : thnx 4 ur humility.. At 1st thot, evn i thot of nt exploitin d depressed notes.. bt dey hv already been ripened thru d crushed ppr, n no longer frgttn !!

@ Chiran : V are, or infact, i am..

@Nishi : it brought a gud 2minutes smile :))

Nishi 6 June 2008 at 13:59  

@ Kappii : Me is shivering I tell ya!

@ Ankit : I have been laughing for months!

keshavi 6 June 2008 at 15:32  

@ nishi n ankit: my hit list is increasing day by day...ankit is an addition nw...

beta, mere peeche bade maze liye ja rahe hain...ek ek ko dekh lungi...;)

Nishi 6 June 2008 at 18:09  

dekh le yaar...lol.. hum toh kab se is intezaar main hai ki tu hume 'dekh legi'...lolouder.. kab aa rahi hai dekhne? we'll accumalate more dekne layak things..loloudest:)

*laughs so much that (almost) falls off the chair*

ankit jain 7 June 2008 at 00:53  

@ nishi : *laugh6ter (nt smile). jab bhi teri comment padhta hun, it literally forces me 2 laugh.. kyu keshi, is ur heart okay nw?? :))
yar nishi, tu rehne hi de.. nw u dnt hv any space left 2 accumulate anythn.. rubbish baatein krti h tu :))
n nishi, b careful.. atleast apna nahi to chair n floor ka dhyaan rakh :)
tk cr of d furniture n other objects.

@ keshi : i agree wid nishi.. kab aa rahi hai dekhne? waise tujhse pange lena, n tujhe tease krna is fun, though i hdnt hd mch of it..
tk cr..

Nishi 7 June 2008 at 07:29  

@ Ankit : Thanks :) can't wait to see kappii back in del.. with her gun..
beta insurance karwa le, security bulale!!

and abey ullu ki dum!!! by things i meant 'people' too..especially 1 important people *winks*...lolz:)

and sab kuch theek hai .. "almost" likha hai waha.. aankein hai ya batate???

keshavi 7 June 2008 at 11:23  

let me remind u guys that this is MY BLOG...ok???...so just get the HELL out of here u 2....:)

take it somewhere else Ladies...;)

Chiranjeev Singh 8 June 2008 at 06:58  

Let me add some salt to the bruises of Kappi:)(waise first character is most sensitive here:p)
Waise the ongoing DRAMA between nishi and Jain sahab is really engrossing. I am visiting this blog regularly just to read their beautiful:p and mischievous:) natter with keshavi's mind-bogglers interspersed between them....
keep it up mere shero...
ise "commentory blogosphere" ka khitab diya jata hai...

keshavi 8 June 2008 at 14:53  

@ chiran : oye, it is 'kappii', with a double 'i', mind it, Lol :)n thanx for visiting regularly :)im Honored!...n thnx for the 'khitab' too...bt this dsnt mean im OK with wat these 2 r doing here...:)

Nishi 8 June 2008 at 23:19  

Hahahahahahahahahha :)
*half dead with laughter*

We have got audience??? and that to regular visitor?? man!!!!this sure is fun...

and kappii.. humien bhaga rahi thi... and honour accept karne main ek minute bhi nahin laga huh??

On behalf of jain sahab and myself I accept this honour and am totally humbled by your gesture. Please give us your blessings so that we can continue are 'good' work in the future too :P We'd like to thank are family and friends without whose love and support this would not have been possible.

and i tell ya.. may be this is spam.. but gal.. bad publicity is still fame..LOL:) (20 comments on one post... fame sure enough :) )

(NOW am sure i'll be dead d day kappii lands in del.)
Bless Me :) (and miss me when i am dead :)

ankit jain 9 June 2008 at 01:08  

thnx chiran, salt is tasty :)
kuch seekh keshi iss se.. khitaab n honour le liya bas.. it is bcoz of us(me n nishi) dat u hv gt a regular spectator..
i agree wid nishi.

nishi, keshi vl bless us surely, for our comments actually mst hv erased d thot 4 whch dis poem ws written!
n if v hv helped keshi in doin so, den i dnt mind using hr blog 4 d fun!! :)
v r blessed nishi :)

P.S. i think i need 2 lessen the commenting on dis blog, n GUYS, beware, keshi cn anytime quote u as "Ladies" :)

keshavi 9 June 2008 at 01:58  

@ D 2 Devils :
Don't know whether to laugh or scorn :)i've got a Regular visitor nw(Thanks! with my tongue in cheek )Bad publicity hi sahi par Kuch to hai...

n ur rite Ankit,itni nautanki ki wajah se is post ki sad n depressing tone theek ho gai hai...

'Khitab' tumhare behalf pe hi accpt kiya tha guys...nt taking Any credit there...


PS:bas bas theek hai,theek hai,itna gid gidao mat...maaf kar diya!Lol...

Chiranjeev Singh 9 June 2008 at 06:49  

waise ankit has got flattered...:d
main to mazak kr rha tha yaar....:)
chal koi baat nhi i gave some wind to the dying fire.... carry on your commentosphere.....

Nishi 10 June 2008 at 07:09  

@ Keshi : We accept your thanks with open hearts and welcome you to use our services whenever the visitor count dips :)

and thanks dost.. *sniff* .. tune mujhe maaaaf kar diya...warna hum toh apna des hi chhodhne par majboor ho gaye the...lmao

Siddhi Agrawal 11 June 2008 at 16:17  

wht a literary piece!!!!
went thry al those comments........
yahan to chat hi shuru ho gaya hai......
I think this depressing mood is all over.......
Always remain happy chirpy kinda gal!!!

keshavi 11 June 2008 at 19:02  

@ abv: Thts what!..ye koi social networking site lag rahi hai n nt a personal blog,lol...am nt complaining nw...i gt a Regular visitor bcoz of dat...lol...Nw i realise the importance of SPAM.

ankit jain 11 June 2008 at 21:00  

@ nishi : hey nishi, nw hs keshi realised our importance :)

@ keshi : "PS:bas bas theek hai,theek hai,itna gid gidao mat...maaf kar diya!Lol..."

Nishi 12 June 2008 at 15:44  

You know what??.. jaise hi i see that the comment count has increased.. i scroll down at top speed ki kya ho raha hai.. and man itni lambi list ho gayi hai..bahut time lagta hai end tak pahuchne main ..lmao:)

@ Keshi : If you would have realized the imp of spam.. the 25th comment would have been mine..LOL:)

and hey.. ab tu khud rehular visitor ho gayi hai apne blog pe..lolz

@ Siddhi : Hi!.. Ki haal? lolz

@ Ankit : haan maine dekha.. Ab matlab AB.. after three damn years.. isse ABBBB realize hua hai.. huh!

Bookworm 14 June 2008 at 16:22  

hey... im really impressed with your blog... great job keep it up...

keshavi 15 June 2008 at 14:34  

Thanks Mr. Bookworm!...really nice to see new people visiting this place...sorta encouragement!!!

The Wanderer 15 June 2009 at 22:56  

blogs r fun :)

spam is funnier :)

btw.. hope you saw the heart specialist :)

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